How did you become awakened to your vampirsim, and how have you learned to cope with it?
My story may not be the best. heh. but i'll try to keep it simple anyway.
As far as empathy and being able to feel things, read people, etc.. i didn't always have the word(s) for it, but i've always sort of just had it.. as far back as i can remember..
i don't remember how old i was, but i remember thinking to myself, picturing a certain woman.. i must have connected with her..
i think she asked something like "how are you".. i can't remember.. but i thought she was ridiculous, and so was thinking about it, while staring at the clouds during a car ride.. i can remember thinking about the woman and realizing that.. what i could feel.. my ability to just know people.. wasn't a 'normal' thing..
i thought everyone felt and thought as i did, until that moment..
i think i even sat up and asked my parents, if they felt like i did.. but i didn't have the vocabulary at the time,a nd still now can't describe exactly what i meant.. but they simply confirmed (though i don't think they replied.. i think i just said 'nevermind' and went back to thinking) what i had realized..
My brother used to play this video game called SoulReaver.. my understanding of the game was this vampire-like individual was between life of living, and death.. he fed off of both souls and blood. it was very interesting and i enjoyed watching..but, i was always bothered that the 'vampire' had to take the entire soul of something, though was usually ok, because they were enemies.. but what bothered me most, was when he drank blood, it was usuallly from humans, and it killed them..
even if the healthbar only needed a small amount, for some reason the amount of blood taken from the human, killed them. it was just a game, but i felt bad..
I can remember, around the age of 13 i think.. (not totally sure) laying awake in bed, thinking of the game.. thinking of the character.. unfortunately my over-thinking caused me to be a bit fearful.. so instead of fearing, i chose to do some research..
I got online, typed into the google search "real vampires" i think.. and found a single article.. i read it.. and while it still seemed hard to believe, it brought understanding and made me feel better..
sometime before or after that article, i also had a dream.. now, my understanding at this point, of vampires, was still the hollywood-portrayed and mythical creature.. i had a dream that i was taken away from my family.. it was a group of three 'vampires'.. next thing i knew, i woke in a place i didn't recognize.. the older woman seemed like she didn't like me, but there was a male vampire who took care of me sort of..
explained that i had been turned.. or something and that in some way, i'd always been... he also explained to me that vampires, like those in the movies, were not real.. that they are misunderstood and portrayed negatively.
Granted, again my only understanding was of the mythical kind.. so despite his explanations, he, in the dream, seemed very much like the hollywood/myth version..
anyway.. so there was that..
about 16 i joined a social networking site because a bunch of my friends' group from school were a part of it and recommended it. After some time, an individual introduced himself to me and we gradually became friends (e-friends).. I had a habit of ranting about my problems, headaches, hunger, thirst, parents, family, just a whole lot of my life..
after a while, he revealed to me that he was a vampire and mentioned that he didn't expect me to believe.. i was skeptical and asked questions.. but told him i wasn't totally in disbelief. i showed him the article i had found years before. he told me the informaiton was good, but offered me better. he recommended a small forum that was on this social networking site, said that the individuals and information there were good, and that they could help me
I told him that i didn't believe i was a vampire, and so didn't believe i could be helped, in the way he was referring.. but was very interested in learning more.. so i joined, learned and became a part of this forum. At first, i felt more like a devil's advocate or something.. i enjoyed learning all i could and sought to teach and share what i was learning.
over a couple months, it began to sink in that i very well could be what the descriptions and such stated.. i mean, a lot of things did connect, things made sense.. but i was skeptical and more willing to accept coincidence or something..in time though, i did accept and believed.
he taught me how to actively feed and consciously manipulate energy. He taught me how to form a connection and how to focus on people.. he taught me a lot of basic stuff, i think..
after a while we stopped talking so much.. he became irritable and complained often about not having a donor.. i found i had trouble controlling my ambient feeding and wanted to avoid taking from him, even though he said it was ok.
During my time on various forums, a friend of mine (and one who had helped to educate me in the forums) claimed that he was a sang, and was exclusively a blood feeder. His claim was that he believe psy feeding was possible, but that most who claimed it were full of bull. so he requested proof.
i had misunderstood this claim and thought he didn't believe at all. or at the least, wanted to try.
i felt i could help him understand and believe, and at the same time, give me what i needed. so i offered to attempt a distance feed on him..
unfortunately, i was either unfocused and connected elsewhere, weak and/or too subtle to be noticed well enough, or failed altogether.. he didn't feel it, or so he claimed and there was no sensation that he noticed..
after this i sort of beat myself up.. feeling that i lied to myself, that none of it was real.. etc..
that was my first breakdown. i decided that i wouldn't actively feed and see if it was more an addiction, expected a withdrawal then be back to normal (if normal even existed) or i would be constantly feeling 'ick'..
so over time i stopped feeding, and observed as best i could to catch any ambient and subconscious feeding.. i attempted to avoid any and every feeding i could, if i noticed it..
starved myself for quite a while.. though not wholly.. i'm sure i didn't catch all of the ambient feeding.
i recently gave into the need and gradually allowed more ambient feeding to happen.
while i'm still unsure and don't wholly claim, i do feel better after psy feeding, i have had a 'taste' of blood and did feel some satisfaction from it, though i wouldn't really consider it enough for a proper 'feed'. i've joined various forums and spoken with various people, all who have helped to 'mentor' me and add to my knowledge, belief, and experience..
i don't claime, and don't fully believe in any condition or metaphysical being of my own, but i do recognize and am trying to accept various sensations, symptoms and other signs.. it's taken me years to come to this.. with all the ups and downs of my life, my mind and everything else..
i don't believe my awakening(s) is(/are) complete.. i believe life is full of them, in various ways... i believe, it's possible i may have postponed, delayed or stunted my personal vampiric or some other similar awakening when i went into my fit and denial. even despite a more minor, but similar fit recently.. i've not totally given up yet..